Donald Gilliam's testimony
Who is Donald Masterson?
I came from a poor family and I was only 4 years old when my 2 year old brother Mark died. At the funeral I wanted to know why mark wouldn’t get up and come home with us. I still miss Mark, he was always laughing and we were such a happy family then. Life changed, mom and dad weren’t happy any more, they stopped all the stuff they did together, all the stuff they did with us.
I had not yet grown enough to understand the new lifestyle we embraced or the changes that entailed or the handicaps my parents bore from the loss of Mark. Walls of protection seem to grow between our parents and us kids, as they feared the pain they had just suffered repeating itself. We grew up having lived in several houses in 3 states, with my dad working many jobs. At 5 years old our Aunt informed us that our father was her half brother and an orphan to the man we were calling grandpa and that dad had changed his name to honor her father, but he wasn't really our grandfather. Suddenly I felt like an outsider, I was to give my half cousins their time to visit their real grandfather: I left that summer an orphan in my own heart.
Later in second grade another tragedy: On a cold Chicago morning on the playground of my school, children were locking their wrists together and running across the playground knocking down anyone they could. I was one they got. I was flipped upside down (hitting my head on the concrete) and was knocked out for several minutes, then taken into the school office. I don’t remember much but I do remember my dad getting to the school and being mad as hell at me until the principle told him that I had done nothing wrong and that the pupil’s of my eye’s looked funny and they had called him to take me to the hospital. My father fearing a hospital bill and feeling like he needed to get back to work decided to take me home and told my mother not to let me go to sleep. After that I don't remember much for quite a while. I do remember being spanked for not remembering: I could no longer retain the point being made in what I would read. Later in Jr high school they gave me an I.Q. test that I scored 72, a test where 82-89 was the average. Needless to say, friends were few and far between.
Then at 16 a girl gave me sex and I was in love! Turmoil was the whole of my relationship with this girl, to the point that I went down and signed up for the marine corp. thinking this would teach everyone. Soon after we graduated and I was informed by my company commander that not only did I score to low to qualify for electrician school, I was to low for the ordinance school but he was going to try me there anyway because the Marines had promised me the electricians school. But, at the time being more afraid of the leaders in command over me that I was having a recurring dream were I would go to sleep in my bunk only to be woke up by everyone else in the barracks surrounding me with knives and clubs. I looked down on my bunk to discover an M-16 that I pick up firing a short burst. As I looked around, everyone was dead and I felt relieved. I went to see the psychiatrist and I shared my dream with him: I was soon discharged.
So how did I feel then? Everything my mom and dad, the schools and the television had told me was a mountain of lies! Everything was a lie! What really mattered in the world; could I do anything and do it well when I was so dumb. I was embarrassed to be alive in my worthlessness. I was supposed to go to the V.A. when I got home and have them explain my discharge code, but I could not get past the disparity of myself trying to be like everyone else. I was too ashamed.
I would like to say all went well from that point on but the handicaps and choice of wife had me spiraling downward; a stranger that just did not fit in. It was at this time that my wife introduced me to the drug world. I thought the posters at school had promised that drugs killed and that would not be a bad thing for me at the time. This was the beginning of life on the bottom of the world; over the next 9 years I learned how to become a worthless human being. I stole from those who loved me repeatedly; I played the gangster for petty amounts of drugs to keep me and my wife stoned. All that really mattered was to me then was where dope I could hustle or steal was. During my days, as a would be gangster, I was poisoned once; dozens of times I overdosed (hoping to kill myself); lost track of caring about what was wrong with me. After a Judge telling me he wanted to put me in prison and would if I even spit on the sidewalk. Knowing I was between the criminals I knew and the law wanting to put me in jail, I was preparing to shift into an even more violent life as the possible penalties for my waywardness became more of a possibility.
I had concluded that if I was to be hated by those I loved (a dishonor I had well earned by then) and used by others to commit crimes for their convenience, I might as well start killing for a living. I knew that the first few would be hard but I felt I could adjust. I even cogitated on how and against whom I could kill for profit without getting caught. After setting some targets in my mind, along with a plan for setting up more potential targets, I attempted to work out the details to my new found fortune and the safe houses I would retreat to between jobs. This would allow me to hide my new found money and dispose of any drug gains in a quiet way. Setting up the potential victim would be the easy part as I would rely on the greed of others and alias names to strike in different places. I planed to kill the witnesses knowing that back then it would make it hard to catch me.
With most of the details worked out, sitting in an old van preparing for this shift in principles, I made an off-the-wall request: “If you are really there God, then talk to me now, because after this there will be nothing for us to say to each other.” Instantly there came an answer: “What would you like to know, buddy?” Looking around and finding no one, but realizing an instant and intense high, a sinner like me preparing for a final plunge into death and hate found himself giving praise to a Lord I did not know.
The beginning of this new life was much like the old life. Drugs, crime and anger were still my Idols and the strongholds in my life. Yet God held fast to the lost lamb who had cried for help. Alas, the Lord entered once again; a plea came from a thousand miles away, leading to another step into a new world. An old crime friend had called for my help to mine gold. He claimed that with my help he could reach the gold he had found. He told me God had sent him there to find the gold. After laughing and telling him no, I found myself on a jet heading for California.
When I reached California, my friend’s whole family was living in a tent while they all mined for gold, Chris told me God had sent him there. Alas, at this point they were out of funds and eating corn and rice as their regular diet, they had for some unknown reason spent most of the last of the funds they had on getting me there. Very soon after, we were going to town to spend our last few cents on gas to run the dredge, hoping our rice and corn would last a day or even two longer. While on the way to purchase the gasoline, riding in the back of the truck with his two boys, I felt the fool for having become a part of this get rich quick scheme.
Once we reached the gas station Chris burdened me in that he felt the reason God had not given him the gold promised, was my lack of belief in God. I had no idea how to respond as I did not believe God had sent Chris there; let alone to make him rich. After hearing the voice in Georgia a few months earlier I made the decision to act upon what I felt concerning Chris’s suspicions. If I was going to talk to God I would shoot square from the hip: I said my first prayer from the heart in the company of Chris’s two boys, riding back to camp: “God, Chris says You sent him here to find gold. I don’t know if what Chris says is true or not but I do know that both he and I are scum of the earth and I don’t even know if I like you even if you do exist. But here we are and even though neither Chris nor I deserve any kindness from You, if You are a good God you must consider Cynthia for there is no doubt even to me of her love for You. I’ve been told that it says in the Bible that You take care of those who love You and she is one of those. Regardless of how little Chris or I deserve your help we are here and we aren’t even sure how to get the gold Chris claims You have promised him. Whether Chris is telling the truth or not, Cynthia is truly a child of Yours; to take care of Cynthia is to take care of us with the fallout of the blessings You save her with. To do this you have to send someone to show us how to find the gold that is here so we can at least feed ourselves and keep gas in the dredge. I added we are out of food and coffee too. Little did I know this prayer would open the door to the first miracles I was to see or how quickly and exactly they were to be answered?
When we got back to the creek where we were dredging for gold, there was a step van parked in our spot. This was intriguing in that the spot we were mining was just a cow-path off the main road and not an easy place to find. Having heard many stories of gold thieves we were quick to get our guns and approach the camp with caution. We confronted the man in our camp with mistrust in our minds.
To our surprise the camp had been cleaned and organized, with a man in our camp sitting next to the fire he had started, brewing a tin of hobo coffee. Seeing no threat we approached and inquired why he was in our camp. To my surprise his response was to chastise us for leaving our camp unguarded and in a mess, warning us of the thievery that occurred throughout the gold camps and pointing out that if someone had taken our dredge, our gold mining would be over.
Once again, we inquired the reason for his presence in our camp. He expressed his view that we would doubtfully believe him, but he had been driving on the road above our camp when the Lord told him to go down the mountain, find a gold camp, straighten it up and make some coffee. The fact that he was making coffee took me back to my prayer I had only minutes before put before God.
His (Jerry’s) hobby was mining gold. Realizing God had sent him to help us, we entreated him for the information we needed, while we enjoyed a hot cup of coffee.
So Jerry (our God send) left us with some instructions on gold mining (Being a hobbyist miner for over thirty years.), coffee and some bags of food he had just picked up at the store with the promise of his return.
The next few days left us finding only enough gold to survive. Jerry would return every few days, talk of God and give us instructions on how to mine for gold. Jerry was always trying to convince Chris that relocation would be the best idea. The question became: what was next - do we go home, should we continue to look for gold or was there more than gold here?
During all this, I found myself going to God for answers; after all He had answered my first prayer with Jerry. The appearance of Jerry in our lives gave an absolute validity to the existence of God. It was in that I found the wisdom to believe God might actually be in our lives in a present and active way. At least, maybe this could be, after all I had not given up the possibility that I was actually going out of my mind.
After Jerry’s first arrival nothing happened for awhile. We prayed every day, Cynthia for Chris, Chris for gold, myself for what was going on. The Lord supplied enough food in that we always had rice and corn. When that became insufficient we found a patch of blackberries, but still no gold. Chris came to the conclusion there was a demon in him and that had prevented God from giving the gold to him. That afternoon Jerry arrived and Chris informed him of his presumption. To my surprise, Jerry agreed instantly that Chris did have a demon in him and inquired as to whether or not he was sure he wanted to pray it out. (Jerry’s concern was that Chris was not strong enough to resist the demon when it returned). This was something very difficult for me to accept. God granting our prayers was one thing, but demons were much too far a stretch for me. Jerry said along side a stream in the middle of the woods was not the best place to perform such a task. He then invited us to his home to pray the demon from Chris. With great reluctance I joined in, at least for the ride to Jerry’s house and a moment away from the camp.
It’s amazing how after years every detail is still so clear in my mind.
Cynthia sat in the corner chair ten feet to Chris and Jerry’s right. Chris and Jerry were on the floor in front of couch. I was in a chair across from them all. They started praying and this continued for about fifteen or twenty minutes. While they prayed I sat in total rejection of what I was seeing and hearing. Sudden Chris opened his eyes. Looking at me he told me to get behind a locked door somewhere. (This I found to be a ridiculous request.) I did not believe in what they were doing nor was I ready to hide from anything. I took special notice of no white in Chris’s eyes. They were all red where the white should have been. I thought this strange but not alarming, after all he had been praying for twenty minutes with his eyes tightly shut. Then Jerry quit praying and entreatingly asked that I submit to the request Chris made. He pointed out that even though, I wasn’t believing what I was seeing, Chris was simply trying to protect me from the demon he was preparing to have God expel. It was for my well being that I should go behind a locked door and if that wasn’t enough reason do it, then let it be done out of friendship so Chris might have peace of mind in what he was trying to do. Jerry once again entreated me to adjourn to the bathroom and lock the door. Not perceiving any other solution to the debate, I entered the hallway leading to the lockable door.
Once in the hallway I determined it unnecessary to lock myself away. They could not see me from the hallway and I (leaning on the hallway wall) felt in no way threatened. As I listened they continued to pray, when suddenly I heard an inexpressible roar; a roar so fierce that it seemed to shake the foundation of the house! Suddenly with no one around me I felt something grab me around my waist; terror filled my being! I, remembering what Cynthia and Jerry had said about rebuking the demon in Chris, immediately I started rebuking in the Name of Jesus whatever it was that had taken hold of me. After what seemed an eternity, I felt the grip of what I now know was a demonic spirit let loose of me.
Terrified, yet relieved, I re-entered the living room. Cynthia quickly noticed the fear that still lingered from what had just happened. After I conveyed the reason for shaken nerves, I informed them that I was ready to go home. Unfortunately, I fear they thought I meant back to the camp, when what I really meant was home. Actually, anywhere but where I was would have done just fine!
Things I never took serious before, now showed themselves as existing with great power. Many questions filled my mind: Was I going crazy or was this all real? If this was all real, why was God doing it? Did He have something planned or did He do this all the time with every one? If He did do this all the time, why did He wait until now to show these things to me? Maybe I had to have a clean system, after all eating rice and having no smoke or drink had to have some effect on my body. Maybe that was it, going so long without some kind of intoxicant in my system was causing me to hallucinate. Then again, maybe it was because I had never asked before. All I really knew was: I was in dire need of help. While deep in thought about such things, Cynthia suggested we pray for answers concerning our questions.
As we went into solitary prayer, I decided to get straight to the subject with God. “God, many things have happened these past few days and I am now asking You send Jesus, an angel or the Holy Ghost to give me the answers I need.” A thought entered my mind, “Pure good would not enter where evil is.” Not knowing why or what they were, I suddenly knew to ask for hedges of protection. So I prayed for holy hedges to guard against the evil in the world so I might talk to someone of holy wisdom. Instantly, everything beyond twenty feet became blurred, yet everything within the twenty feet was clear. It was then a circle of light appeared in a tree before me. Slowly, a face appeared in the middle of it. A face like man’s, only long, as if part lion. Fear grasped at my very being. As I looked away I clearly heard a voice inquire: “Why are you afraid? You were the one who asked for Me.” In an instant I felt total peace and I knew the answers I sought would be given to me in a church that Sunday. Then the face was gone but the peace remained. Suddenly, our dogs started the most horrendous cries. Chris quickly grabbed his gun and waved for me to accompany him to see what had upset the dogs. I then told him what had just happened to me and that the dogs, being on the outside of the hedges, probably sensed the evil that had been kept out by said hedges. As soon as we were within twenty feet of the dogs, they stopped barking and sat wagging their tails. There was no one around, nor could anything be spotted that may have upset the dogs, nor had they done anything like that before. To say the least, the Lord was getting my attention.
Soon after, Jerry came by for a visit. Upon hearing my story he invited us to join him Sunday at his church. We went to church and sat near the back of the sanctuary; I don’t even remember what the message was or if the pastor even gave a sermon before altar call. My only thought was altar call. When I heard the call I almost leaped to the altar, I knew the answers I sought were there. I knelt, closed my eyes and began to entreat the Lord for wisdom.
After what seemed like four or five minutes everything in front of my eyes turned red. I thought it must be from holding my eyes closed so tight, so I opened my eyes. To my surprise everything was still red; no people, no room, just red. No sooner than I had realized my wonder than I spotted a small white light in the center of the red. The light moved forward until I felt it enter my mind. Everything was now clear, even the fact that it was not time to know all things. I knew the gold we would get and it was not yellow gold for the pocket but rather gold for the heart. Praise the Lord, Hallelujah!
My eyes cleared, I could see again but what I could see was quite the surprise. When I opened my eyes, there was no one to be seen. Stunned, I found the church empty; church had ended without my knowing. I walked to the doors and the last cars were pulling out of the parking lot, the pastor was at the door talking with Cynthia and Chris as they waited for me. The first two sounds I heard were Chris asking whether or not I got any answers from my prayer and the pastor remarking that she could see the Holy Ghost all over me. I knew it too, the power I felt touch me was so awesome I could never hope to describe it. If only I could describe what my state of mind was at that moment: total peace, how can I say any more?
We left the church, got into the car and started down the road singing praises to the Lord. Chris kept asking questions concerning my new found revelation. Chris asked what God said about smoking pot. (Why Chris wanted to know this had eluded me until just recently. Now I better understand how Satan comes to steal the Word.) I told him that it was bad to drink unto drunkenness knowing that is so written it the bible. Instantly I felt the peace leave, I had deceived what I knew to be the true answer. I knew that anything that interferes with God being number one in our lives, leads to the loss of God in our lives: I quoted something other than what I knew to be the right answer.
I knew I had given up the Holy Ghost and I now felt empty, hollow, and alone. I had placed worldly pleasure above God. Praise God for His mercy. It would be easy to blame Chris for the loss but inside I know that it was I who was weak. Chris was but the tool used to distract me.
When the time came that we ran out of food, Cynthia showed her confidence in God by gathering us together in prayer that God would supply our needs. We sat in prayer and petitioned God for our needs. After prayer we divided the remaining rice and waited for the Lord to act. I personally was expecting a miracle in the morning. Yet only hours after our prayers, Jerry arrived in our camp with good news. Although he had not planned on going to the creek, the Lord had prevailed upon him to start out and then delayed him. As he resumed driving to our camp, there was a large truck in front of him. When they turned into the curves a mile or two before our camp, the truck struck a doe and her fawn killing them both. Jerry came to our camp and drove me back to where the accident had occurred. The doe was completely destroyed, but the fawn was yet edible. Needless to say our prayer had lifted us from hunger and set before us a feast. Praise God that He supplies our needs!
Chris wanted to know why God was touching me instead of him. I had no idea what to say, my only guess was that he had been searching for gold while I searched for answers. Yet through these questions, I started to doubt the things that had happened. Maybe I was suffering from some type of hallucination. After all, I had not come there looking for God. I could see only one way to find the answer; God would have to give me a sign that could be witnessed by someone other than me.
That night I prayed that God would grant me a sign that another could witness as being from God. I asked that it be delivered by morning. I slept on one side of the claim and Chris the other all night so there would be a witness constantly present. The night came and went with no discernible difference. Morning arrived, I opened my eyes, there on the other side of the creek was Chris facing the other way looking at a wall of slate and stretching. My thought was: “It’s morning Lord and it’s time.” I then swung my legs over the side of the hammock and before my feet hit the ground something happened.
A hummingbird flew within inches of my nose, directly between my eyes and lingered. Mystified, I remained sitting on the edge of the hammock. I remembered thinking: “A WITNESS”; to see Chris still looking at the slate wall. Thinking I had better get Chris’s attention, I (in a soft voice) beckoned Chris, he didn’t hear me. In a normal voice, I called to Chris, fearful that I might frighten away the hummingbird. Still I couldn’t get Chris to look my way and the hummingbird hardly moved. So while I was trying to hold as still as possible, I yelled twice: “Chris, Chris”. Finally Chris turned, saw the hummingbird, walked across the stream and stopped less than three feet from the bird to get a closer view. The hummingbird moved not more than two inches and only in acknowledgement of Chris. I was amazed at how the hummingbird stayed. Chris asked “What are you going to do now?” and I replied by saying “Thank You, Lord.” Instantly the bird flew away. How could anyone deny such a sign? It wasn’t long after that when the owners of the claim arrived to request our departure from their claim. Chris now had to admit there would be no yellow gold here for him to take home.
Reaching home was different only in that I felt an emptiness that was strange to me. I had no idea what this emptiness was but I could not turn back to the crime type of life I had previously lived. It was like my eyes had been opened, I knew as I did wrong God would see. I tried to bury God as deeply as possible. I supposed “out of thought, out of presence”. Yet the feeling of being out of alignment with myself was unshakable. The drugs, of which I was so fond, now made me feel terrible. My friends looked at me strangely when I would tell them of the things that had happened which convinced me that God existed. I started hiding my life from God or had I hidden God from my life? Still, this time I could not bring myself to go back to the life of crime.
Over the next year I ignored most everything God had shown me, living again for earthly pleasures. I began thinking of the past like a dream, remembered in full detail. Time and events passed without God’s influence, until one day when this friend and I got into a fight over petty reasons. Becoming fearful of a possible outcome, he stabbed me three times and slashed me once. I arrived at the hospital and was taken directly to surgery. I asked for something for the pain and was told by the doctor that I was in too much shock. Then I slipped into a dark place, away from my body. It felt like I had opened my eyes yet everything was black. Looking around and seeing only blackness my first thought was: “I wonder if I am dead”. I felt such calm and so at peace that I remember thinking: “If this is death, then I can do this”. I had never dreamed that I would feel that good. Then I thought this place was but a stepping stone and somewhere beyond was God. A sense of bliss moved over me as I instinctively knew Jesus was there with me and I was not to stay. It was not my time to stand before the seat of judgment. (I use the word judgment for truly at that time I would have been judged.) The next thing I knew, I was back on the operating table and my body was ripped with pain. Death had paid a visit and God had turned him away. Why did God save me, for truly I would not have passed judgment?
Later Chris told me there was work in Austin and we could stay with his friend Charlie while we were there. We left the next morning for Austin. I felt good about getting some work and getting away from Houston. But when we arrived at the apartment where Charlie lived, uneasiness beset me. I instantly hated being there; something about that place filled me with distress. For some reason the little New Testament Bible Cynthia had given me, was suddenly the only thing that mattered to me. Constantly, I felt drawn to read that little Bible. Something was dreadfully wrong and I was greatly afraid. Nighttime fell with me still reading the Bible. Chris and I had flipped a coin to see who would get the couch; losing the toss, Chris and Charlie’s son had to split the floor. Everyone had gone to sleep while I sat on the couch (my winnings) reading my little Bible. I picked some random verses and while I was reading them a crashing sound came from the kitchen. It sounded like a empty coffee can abruptly hitting the floor with that hollow metallic bang. The kitchen was a narrow open area directly to my left. Looking over to see what had fallen, I could see nothing. I stood up and walked into the kitchen to find what had made the noise. There was nothing on the floor, nor was there anything on the counter top! I even looked in the trash can, only to find it empty. Was I hearing things? That question was soon answered when Charlie poked his head around the bedroom door and inquired about the cause of the loud noise. I told Charlie that I could find nothing out of place and had no idea what made the noise. With a grumble, Charlie went back to bed and I returned to reading my Bible. Now, every time I opened the Bible to a new verse, it would involve the rebuking of demons. It was then that I glanced up from reading and saw something that horrified me. Floating in a fetal position over the little boy asleep on the floor was what looked like a man. As I stared, it turned its head looked straight at me and smiled. This smile gave me no comfort. Rather, it made my heart stop in fear. Quickly I rebuked it in the name of Jesus. Suddenly it disappeared, making a loud noise in the bathroom. I had to step over Chris and the boy to get to the bathroom to investigate the sound. When I got to the bathroom it was like the kitchen: nothing was out of place. Yet I knew the demon was hiding in the bathroom. Stepping back over the little boy and Chris, I picked up my Bible, read the verse of Jesus sending out his disciples. I then rebuked the demon, this time by the Jesus who lived in me. A loud series of noises came once again from the bathroom. This time the noise woke everyone in the house. There we were; Chris and the little boy sitting up on the floor and Charlie beyond them, sticking his head out the door of his bedroom. I was still on the couch with Chris and the boy between me and the bathroom. When asked what had happened, I enlightened everyone as to what had been occurring. Charlie thought I had made the noise but Chris quickly reported that, when he was awakened by the noise, I was sitting across the room on the couch. Then we checked to see what had made the noise in the bathroom, finding various items from the plastic shelves from above the toilet in the toilet bowl. The strangest part was that it looked like four giant fingers had scooped everything from the middle of the shelves into the toilet without getting one thing on the floor. Looking into the corner of the room, I knew it was now gone and I could sleep. Chris, on the other hand, could not sleep a wink after that. While I went to sleep, Chris stayed up all night and, read the Bible. The next day came with Chris wanting to go home and that was all right with me.
This was it for me, I had to find out whether I was crazy or not! I went to the VA hospital and told them everything that had happened and after months of examinations, they assured me that I was sane. They said they knew God did not exist as I described and they did not know how I fooled their test saying He did; nor how my I.Q was now 113 and I could now remember everything I read. So I decided anything I do should prosper and for a while it did. But very quickly my lack of foundation slid me back into a state of self and pleasure. A state where God could not be with me and with poor stewardship comes bad consequences.
One night while I was contemplating how things weren’t going the way I thought they should, I decided that Satan would pay less attention to me if God were not with me. So, as politely as I could, I asked God to leave my life. I explained to Him my reasoning and assured Him that I was not denying Him. (With hind sight I must concede, it was easier to blame God than to confess sin, lust, self as the destroyers of my life.) So God left. My once promising wood business didn’t do any better, and now I was alone. Every night I could feel, almost seeing, Satan’s demons around my bed. Taunting and waiting for the chance to doom my soul.
Out of fear of what I knew lingered around me every night; I began to pray to God. As I began my prayer, Satan’s voice interrupted - promising that he could give me the riches I sought and he cared not about the length of life I would have to enjoy them. My thoughts were; “I would rather my life be spent in pursuit of God and fall short of His glory, than to serve the guardian of pain and death at all.” I then rebuked Satan and all the evil surrounding me. The Lord answered instantly and the Holy Ghost touched and calmed me and I knew that God had forgiven me my blemishes.
I then asked: “What could I do that would keep me satisfied and in His will?” God said,” Write a letter to Cynthia and ask her to marry me.” I quickly informed God that after Chris, Cynthia would never marry me. I gave many good reasons why Cynthia deserved better than me, all of which were true. I did not want to give up my freedom to illicit sex, but realized I could not put sex before God. So I told God that Cynthia was an angry person and I was just a bum from the scum of the world. God answered that Chris was the cause of Cynthia’s anger. He also said that Cynthia and I were in equal need of each other. She would hold me to God and I could help her find herself. He then assured me that I would love and admire the Cynthia that lay covered deep within her person. I then told God that Cynthia was too smart to marry me, to which He answered, “Tell her to ask Me for the answer”.
So I did it, I called Cynthia to get her address and wrote her a letter of proposal. It was but a few days when I received a letter from Cynthia that did everything but laugh about my proposal. I gave God the old ‘I told you so’ and started planning for some kind of future. Next thing I knew another letter had arrived, only this one wasn’t laughing. Cynthia had been to church and while she was there, she decided to ask God about what I had told her and she now knew that our marriage was the will of God.
In a matter of weeks I was on my way to Houston to marry Cynthia. I was in fear of my judgment as I proceeded to enter the aircraft to fly to Houston. Half way through the trip I felt the presence of the Holy Ghost and the rest of the trip was spent in learning of Cynthia from the Holy Ghost. He told me that regardless of how Satan or the world or Chris had persecuted Cynthia, she had remained faithful in all to Him. God had no intention of this happening to Cynthia again. Then He (the Spirit of the most High) gave me the chance to change from the path God had set before me. I was to be sure that I wanted to submit to God in this; if I failed to be faithful to Cynthia, I would pay the same penalty that Chris was now paying. The Holy Ghost also granted that I would have more understanding in discovering who I really was deep inside. Finally, He told me that I would find a happiness that I had never known before Cynthia and I got married.
This is not how it started for two people with nothing but God between them, awkward is an understatement. The war between who I was and who God would have me be continued as I did my best to become a church faithful Christian. Then tragedy struck and while I was driving we were struck from behind and the girls were injured badly. Yet even in such a tragedy, the face of God was made known. When our youngest girl awoke from the surgery to reconstruct her head and face, she asked if we had seen the angel dressed in pink. We asked what the angel was doing and she mumbled something about catching someone's head and we though she was saying that an angel caught her head. She quickly explained that the angel caught Cynthia's head so that it didn't hit the dash! In the wreck, when I looked over at Cynthia I was afraid that she was dead because her head was under the dashboard and could not have gotten there without smashing her face against the dash. Yet she swung her head sideways to get it above the dash to set up, now we know how it was possible. Cynthia was and is loved by God.
This is when I dove into study and fellowship with God, for you see; I did not know if I liked God for letting the accident happen. I told God that I had met Yeshua in that church and was healed of much, but I did not know God's heart and that I would not give my heart to God unless I liked God for who God is at heart. I had seen mountains of pain in my life and if God is that pain then there had better be a good reason, because I wasn't seeing it. Over the next 8 years I accumulated over 80,000 hours of studies that helped me to understand the heart of God. Early in my fellowshipping and studying, God began showing me all the verse that speak of the Christian walk from it's beginning to this very day. Paul in his letter to Timothy, we see the influences becoming so strong that Paul had to reinvigorate Timothy's focus; it never says those outside influences ever ended. Now my studies had to include what we knew about history, inside and out of the Bible, to see what was happening as Christianity progressed through the years.
God taught me most of the knowledge I needed at that time. I learned how deeply mankind had fallen into the traditions of mankind, completely loosing focus on who God really is. God taught me thing like 'God does not judge', we judge ourselves by the choices we make with the things we have stewardship over. That means that the 'judgments we see God supposedly making in the Bible was mankind using God for a weapon. It is a sin to break the law because we are to respect the laws of mankind, not because God made the law. God showed me how when a problem arises out of the pollution mankind has aspired to God's word we are to look closer at Yeshua. God spent years showing me the evidence of all this written plainly within the Bible, yet as I first began going to my church leaders about what the Bible actually said, they offered lectures, telling me I had to have an understanding of what the authors were trying to express that can only be achieved through mentorship. It did not matter what I was reading and my studies were fruitless without guidance. This never ended! God also showed me how mankind has welcomed the enemies of God; preaching that those God has warned us about grinding us and our children into the ground as dust are to be loved as ourselves. Established religion is teaching the traditions of mankind above the words Of Yeshua and in doing so, giving an open door to Satan's assault on God. This is the end of one time and the beginning of the time of the gentiles that have come out of the Jews to have the true heart of God come out of them. This is that day but the Christian Churches of today know nothing of the heart of God, blinded by all that the Lord said they would be blinded by. Cynthia and I have been faithful in our sharing of God's message only to be sinned against by the very people claiming to desire to live sin free.
I found myself discouraged by the Christian nations and this lead me to find myself in a 9 month sabbatical where God seemed to left me from myself, turn me around and show me the who's and why's of what I had been doing and the person I seen was not who I wanted to be. All the knowledge about God matters nothing without our denying ourselves and truly doing our best to adopt the heart of God as our own. I had so much knowledge and so little self awareness. We cast our pearls before swine hoping for acceptance from a world that hates us because we love God!? We cater to the needs of those outside God's Body while letting those inside God's body suffer, telling them it is God testing them or God is building character in you or even strengthening you!? God is with you while you go through the evils of this world, God does not create the evils for you; we did that to ourselves, we just like to blame God for it! God told me that Christians live almost nothing in their lives with God's heart showing forth to today's world. God showed me how it is not the fault of the Christian nations that they have been taught the traditions dictated to them as being God. Yeshua told us these traditions would rule our heart today and from the times of the first 12 disciples up to this very day religious leaders have desired to appease the forces in their lives; passing down their theories as facts about God. God has shown me the road to a kingdom here on earth that brings the secular world to give glory to our God because of the prosperity and protective hand of God they see in us. The secret has been in the open every since Yeshua first spoke it to us.
This should be simple but because of the traditions that teach us such a distorted understanding of much of what has been taught us about who to love and how to love them. It is the one command that Yeshua gave us of His own instruction: That we who come together professing that in His Name to fellowship with God, 'love each other as much as Yeshua loves us'. God told me that we do not even understand what this means, you see, God loves us more than God loves God! Do we love the sojourners with our Lord more than we love ourselves? God showed me so much that my heart is broken for those who if and when they know the truth, they would love God for who God is far more than they ever imagined.
All this knowledge and it was not until I spent a 9 month sabbatical where God put a mirror in front of my heart and showed me how even when I though I was doing well I was falling as short as any other Christian I was thinking naive. It was like God lifted me out of my body, turned me around and showed me my motivations of heart, I was filthy! I repented and I repent daily, trying my best to place the whole of my mind and heart into the will of God.
Knowing them all, the understanding of them had yet eluded me in the fog of past idols. I found myself in a 9 month sabbatical with just me and God. It was like God took me out of myself, turned me around and showed me who I had been for the last 30 years; I was ashamed! I had been introduced to God 23 years earlier but I was only then shown, who I was being while in my walk with God, even up to 4 years ago. I have determined to give all I have to show people the heart of God and to teach Christians what God has called for me to share.
The Lord showed me how corruption of the word had veiled the eyes of the churches with the traditions of man. Then He showed me why I should forgive them. He showed me how all the people calling themselves Christians were as the Pharisees were during the time of Yeshua. The Pharisees positioned Almighty God to take the blame for any misfortune arising from their bad stewardship and to cover up their evils, just as the Christians of today do. Nothing that causes pain, disease, misfortune or anything bad for us came from Almighty God, He gave us His power and His authority and we aspired to the sickness and evils of this world as we do to this day. Almighty God is mystified by how we would be willing to worship the god poised by mankind; a god of anger, revenge, death and discipline. We conveniently forget that from our creation we were given the spirit of Almighty God within us, with God’s power and authority over this earth. What ever we set on earth therefore becomes a rule in heaven; it was man who created sickness and evils of every kind. Yet we blame Almighty God, like it was God’s fault that we want to follow our own so called truths. But I now understand our misuse of our stewardship with the power of Almighty God. A sorting is at hand! Choose the outer-darkness of those who put their faith in their words or life eternal for those who adopt the heart of God as their own. Satan is at the door and will devour all he finds in the outer rooms but Satan knows the inner-room will lead to God's intervention. The outer-room is a hall great in size with many thinking well of themselves and the inner-room has is few with those who understand why God did what God has done and love God for the search for our love that exposed God to all the pain mankind inflicted upon God.
Now I finding others quick to cut me off in mid-conversation with the common response to what God said about 'the enemies of God'. This response has been; so are we suppose to go to war and kill God's enemies: This because of Luke's proverb where God said to bring His enemies before him and slay them in His presence! This again is mankind clinging to traditions for if one considers the whole of the Words given us by Yeshua, one knows that we are to be wise and know that if we come together and love each person that steps forward to live as the 'Body of God', sojourners, then the promise is God protects us and that when Satan does allow his to strike the true 'Body of God', it is God who avenges by binding Satan for 1,000 years. This is where we are today and it is your choice where you will leave your children, as fodder for Satan or cells of God's Body?
Now I am past the end of my days with doctors that have no idea how I am even alive with 2 of the 3 arteries feeding my heart dead. My Doctor calls me a walking talking miracle and I would have thought that God keeping me alive would count for a reason for church leaders to consider what I have written and what I say God told me but alas, if you tell people they are wrong, they not only don't listen, but they pretty much hate you for it. So, all the poor-stewardship mankind has practiced and all the blame mankind has put on God, is not where God's concerns are. God's message to me was to get past all the mistakes, all the deceptions of justifications and live our lives as though God was in us. God told me that we do not have the willpower to perfect ourselves, but in our unification we have all God's power and authority at hand. The only thing I am telling you now that we are to do, we do in the Name of Yeshua and in the will of God is to unify more, for the more we unify the more God can perfect us. God told me we fall short of practicing the heart of God on earth and that is why God's hand is not seen on us by the world. It is by coming together as a body that loves each other more then we love ourselves that God become so obvious in our lives that the whole world knows it is God who is with us. God told me we do not trust in God to prosper us as we pour ourselves out to each other. God told me we pour ourselves out to a world that hates us and we look the other way as the world tramples us into the dust. God said we do not trust that in our devotion the protective hand of God protects us from God's enemies. The Body of God will prosper while the world and the goats of Christianity will suffer the destruction to come, them and their children.
How long will God keep me alive now? How long will people say glory to God because I am alive when my body can't be, yet not give an ear to what God has given to me to say? It is today for Christians religious practices as it was for the Jews in the years Yeshua walked in the flesh with us. We slay our own Lord every time we follow the traditions of mankind over the truth of who God is. I am spending my last days going over all the writings I have done on the many subjects God has helped me study through. Study the Bible for one reason, to learn the heart of God alone, anything else, everything else is simply a distraction! We can not practice the heart of God if we only know the heart of mankind put forth as the heart of God. I ca not be here but yet I am; I know Satan will scream in every ear I reach and it is that voice that will be heard, but I beg you, study what God has lead me to write, test it with facts (setting aside the tradition that have been embedded from childhood) and build a relationship that gives you surety in who God is. Well this is a quick rough-in of who I was and how I got here, I sure hope it helps some of you.